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I was spinning I don’t even know it’s like I couldn’t I couldn’t even gather up my thoughts I felt like my thoughts spun out of my head in a million different directions and nobody teaches you how to handle that moment welcome to the focus on the family broadcast helping families thrive John we all know what it feels like to be disappointed if you are going through that kind of deep disappointment today we want to come alongside you with some help some healing and some perspective from a biblical standpoint in fact there’s a verse I want to quote here Psalm 34:18 the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed and spirit if that’s you today this program is for you Lisa welcome back to focus it’s great to see you thank you it’s an honor to be with you guys let’s um let’s move this direction you wrote this book from a very messy place over the last few years it’s very vulnerable which I applaud it’s so hard for us in Christian life and in Christian leadership particularly to be vulnerable but you’ve done it why I guess is the question did you feel it would be important to write about this season of your life so openly what compelled you to move that direction well I think one of the reasons is certainly that the Lord just really strongly led my heart that way but another reason is when I was drowning in my own sorrow I really didn’t feel like I had anyone to go to that could really understand my circumstance and that was really hard because I I’ve always been a person of deep connections and deep relationships so but I was in a very unique situation not unique in in in what was happening in my marriage but unique in the fact that I didn’t know exactly how to handle being the president of Proverbs 31 ministries being a mom of three kids three adult kids that were getting married that your five kids total but three of my kids were getting married in 2016 when everything was unraveling and I just didn’t know how to navigate everything and it was very hard and I felt very very alone and one promise I’ve always made to myself is when I’ve gone through something hard or something that seemed like wow this could be so much better if I just had a few other people who have been there done that who could help me along I’ve always promised myself I would help those people coming behind me I did that with writing books and to this day I hold conferences and and I have lots of material out there to help people who are interested in being in ministry speaking and writing so it fits my natural ministry flow I love helping people come behind me I just never thought this would be one of the ways I would help you and we’re gonna move into that but let me let me take a higher 40,000 foot view of disappointment in the human condition why do we set up expectations the way we do as older maybe mature Christians and we still don’t learn how to manage disappointment why is that why don’t we have a more mature attitude about things going differently from our expectations well because I think we all set our expectations and then we have an experience and the experience doesn’t live up to the expectation and so the natural feeling that emerges is disappointment where this gets complicated is I think often in Christian circles we’re told you know when you’re Christian don’t be disappointed you know like pray another Bible verse or you know always say yeah consider it pure joy you know and so oftentimes we’re told not to feel disappointment and so we just kind of push it aside and and push it down and put a happy bumper sticker on it and keep on trucking down the road but the the problem is that disappointment is the exact gateway where I think the enemy loves to come in and and start to really create an opportunity for temptation for people huh because the human heart does not take kindly to feel in constant disappointment at some point we’re either going to numb that pain or we’re going to have to deal with the pain if we never understand how to deal with the pain will never understand how to heal the pain right and there’s a lot there in terms of justifying your actions that lead you down a really bad path Lisa let’s get into the specific pain that you have gone through your husband came to you a few years ago and said what well I wish that the story would have been that my husband came to me and admitted what was happening but that’s not what that’s not what happened I discovered it and I immediately felt like my world was imploding in a way that I never ever ever thought that it would I never thought this would be my story and so basically I found out that that he’d been having some struggles with some addictions I found out that first and and then felt like maybe that explained away some of the behavior that that I was discerning wasn’t right I have a very discerning spirit the problem is that just because you have discernment discernment doesn’t give you details and so that’s where a lot of people live if they’re in close community with someone and they’re feeling like something isn’t right they’re discerning something is right but they can’t figure out the details and that is a really difficult place to live so that’s where I lived for a long time suspicions yeah yes suspicions but not wanting to be suspicious so then it goes from feeling suspicious to feeling like well I’m the crazy one you know because you can only go to someone so many times and say hey I’m just not feeling right about this or this or this and you know if if you’re discerning something’s not right but then you’re told everything is right it starts to mess with your head and really make you feel like you’re the crazy one so there was about a year where I felt like I am seriously crazy and I was trying to do everything I could to go before the Lord and really ask the Lord to help me fix whatever wherever I was off emotionally and spiritually it’s not unusual and often you know here as we’ve talked to various guess have an incredible aptitude to look at themselves first I mean it’s a god-given thing I think men we struggle with that because our egos might be in the way but women will often say okay we’re what have I done where have I blown it am I wrong I can imagine all the questions running through your head of course this is art your husband involved in an affair and I mean you had to be swirling about what that means so how did your you know kind of your concerns come to light what did take place if he didn’t come and talk to you what what happened that confirmed those concerns well it was a it was kind of a slow unfolding it’s like you know I found one thing and then I found another thing and and all the while this is the other thing that gets really complicated in this as a Christian wife you know it’s very complicated when you want to be so deeply respectful of your husband and so that was a hard line for me to cross even going to him to confront or to even say harsh things to him or to to try to bring this to light it was just a complicated thing all the way around and so it was a slow unfolding but finally I I went to him and I said I know something’s going on and and I had a little bit of proof and I gave it to him and finally at that point he said yes that you know that what I suspected was true he was having an affair and and I was I was spinning I don’t even know it’s like I couldn’t I couldn’t even gather up my thoughts I felt like my thoughts spun out of my head in a million different directions and nobody teaches you how to handle that moment let me ask you this and I again I so appreciate your openness and vulnerability and in many ways you’ve written the book it’s out there of course being the founder of proverbs 31 you know this is hard stuff so right there I just appreciate your heart the fact is many couples suffer through something like this I mean this is a betrayal of trust etc describe that feeling of where you’re at when it was confirmed when art either nodded yes or somehow confirmed that suspicion what went through your heart I mean that that betrayal I can only imagine so what was that like and what were your words like afterward and well it was it was the worst moment of my entire life I I’ve been hurt a lot in my life but nothing like that it’s the deepest it is it’s the it’s the deepest shock and pain that you could ever experience and I always had this script in my mind you know oftentimes girlfriends will even joke with each other if I ever found out my husband was doing that here’s exactly what I would say here’s exactly what I would do I had a script in my mind you know of what I would say and what I was do what I would do but the Lord was so gracious to me and you know when really when the Lord encourages us to pursue him it’s in a daily way and so the Lord really does want us to spend time with him every day and I think sometimes it’s because we think it’s because it’s part of the good Christian checklist to do but the reality is the Lord sees what’s coming and he is so compassionate that he wants to fully prepare us now sometimes we don’t slow and slow down enough for his preparation but boy our life would be a lot better if we did I’m so thankful that in January of 2016 before I found out what was happening I did a fast it was supposed to be a 21-day fast and I was praying but on day 21 I said well Lord I really haven’t gotten a revelation but this has been a really sweet time of connecting with you with more intentionality every day throughout my day and so now I’m going to go to the movies not popcorn and I’m just really excited about my popcorn at the movies you know and the Lord said no seven more days Lisa and I want you to pray only about your marriage for seven more days and I was so confused so on day 28 the I I went before the Lord and I said okay Lord now it’s day 28 and this isn’t an audible voice that I’m hearing but it’s this deep impression I know when the Lord speaking to me and on day 28 the Lord said something and I have clung to this the Lord said to me I’m about to reveal exactly what’s happening but you have to make me two promises on this day to prepare you for that day and the two promises is number one you’ll trust my timing because the timing will not make sense to you and number two that you will absolutely commit to me that you will love your husband and I said well of course Lord I love my husband like and I so and there was about between that time and when I found out it was about two and a half weeks and I during that two and a half weeks I thought of a million different things that it could be but this was not the way that the story unfolded was never part of what I thought but the minute that are finally admitted to me what was going on I remembered that that moment two and a half weeks ago where the Lord had already prepared me to not react out of my flesh my flesh would have said a lot of crazy things in that moment and probably been justified in doing so but I remember what the Lord said and so my first words to my husband in that moment is this isn’t who you are this isn’t who you are and this isn’t who you are he was shocked because he also had a script in in his mind of all the crazy things I would do and say if I ever found out and the script of it’s you know this isn’t who you are it stopped him in his trying to derailed his plan or his thoughts you know Lisa I’m thinking as you’re describing this and you know with that emotion that you had a moment ago think of in the Lord speaking to your heart which is so beautiful and then his analogies of him being the bridegroom and the church being his bride and him communicating to your heart about continuing to love your husband through this it’s coming from his own experience as our Lord and Savior this is the way we are we betray we’re disloyal because of our sin nature that has to be in some way such a beautiful connection for you to say okay Lord this must be when you had tears in your eyes think of the Lord’s pain about his betrayal think of the Lord’s pain about our betrayal toward him in our walk with Him when we do things that we know displeases him whatever that might be it can be light it can be heavy mm-hmm and that connection you must have had how do you guys heart oh yeah I’ve gone to mark chapter 14 more times than what I can even tell you I can’t I can’t even tell you the number of times I’ve gone to mark chapter 14 but it’s when Jesus is in the Garden of Gethsemane and and he is praying to the Father asking God to change the story let this cup pass let this cup pass from me and what’s interesting is just before he withdraws from the disciples he tells the disciples stay here and keep watch and I always thought that was stay here and watch for the detachment of soldiers that I know is coming so that you don’t get caught off guard so I don’t get caught off guard but then it occurred to me Jesus already knew he could see he’s he’s omnipresent so he could see that soldiers coming he wasn’t going to get caught off guard so I wonder if maybe that sentence has a little bit of a double meaning like stay here and watch because the soldiers are coming but even more importantly stay here and watch me how I go through this moment of my deepest hurt and sorrow yeah my deepest fear and then the scripture right after that when Jesus says stay here and keep watch right after that it says going just a little farther just a little farther so the disciples could still see him and that’s when he says you know to the Lord take this cup from me let’s change the plan I don’t want this to be my story and boy have I said that so many times but I love the way that he ends that that time with the Lord 9 earth-shaking hell shattering demon quaking words yet not what I will but what you will and that to me has been the prayer that I have often gone before the Lord because Jim as I sit here today I don’t want this to be my story I don’t yeah I woke up this morning knowing I was coming to do this interview and I thought I don’t want this to be the subject matter this this wasn’t it really it wasn’t supposed to be this way um but I know I know that God has a good plan in the midst of it even if I can’t see the good or feel the good as I’m walking to it and through it I know so I’ve I’ve had to pray that prayer yet Lord hears all my suggestions here’s all my angst of fighting against this reality yet not what I will but what you will and that moment that Jesus had in the Garden of Gethsemane has been so profound for me you have felt it yes I mean that deep betrayal and Lee said there are other aspects to the story that we’re going to continue to unfold it just wasn’t this story that occurred in your life yet at the end of the program here to kind of help people with this particular issue of infidelity it’s not just husbands that have affairs women have affairs to get that but but speak to that person that may be fearful where you were prior to arts discussion with you and how that unfolded speak to that issue of fear this is the one area where the Lord says you you you have a card that will allow you out of this relationship adultery it’s biblical to divorce for those green yet he still says I hate divorce reconcile that in the last few minutes here for the couple that either is now going through it both of them know what had happened or the the spouse who is suspicious something might be going on what is that way to handle this in a way that does honor the Lord which I think you and art are doing mm-hmm it’s the tough stuff of trying to mend this back together but but speak to the listener who is going Lisa I feel that I am with you I know what you’re talking about well first of all I want to be very careful to say not every suspicion that you have is going to come to fruition in the same way it did with my story however every discernment that you’re having that something’s not right needs to be attended to and it may be that you’re having disarmament because something has not yet happened or maybe you’re having discernment because it’s like that check engine light it’s time to go to a counselor and just get some help or it’s time to get in a small group at your church or get more intention about bonding together as a couple so not every suspicion comes to fruition and the way it did with my story but every suspicion is like a check engine light coming on that something needs to be attended to so I just want to say that for the wife or the husband that has discovered that there is something profoundly wrong in the relationship whether it’s an affair or an addiction or anytime your spouse is keeping secrets from you and there’s there’s other betrayal besides just you know physical infidelity but when a betrayal has occurred you’ve got to get other people involved you can’t just the two of you sweep this under the rug and and pretend like well we’ll just keep marching and hope that everything gets okay eventually because it’s got to be attended to Lisa before we leave today and hopefully we can pick this up tomorrow and continue the discussion in the midst of watching your five year marriage crumble and what you and art we’re facing in this moment you experienced some physical pain in your family you ended up in ER which unfolds the second chapter of your valley journey just tell us what took place there and then we’ll pick it up next time well my counselor kept saying Lisa we’ve got to find ways for you to process this healthy and the counselor kept saying Lisa you’ve got to get the pain and the anxiety you’ve got to get it out you got to process it because your body will keep the score and my body did just about six months into this my colon the right side of my colon ripped away from the abdominal wall it wrapped around the other side of my colon it cut off the blood flow kind of twisted it did twisted and the blood flow was completely cut off inside of me and I kept crying out to God to please take away the pain but God did something even more miraculous than that I mean this and it just keeps going and Lisa we’re gonna do that we’re gonna speak to these issues so for the person that you know maybe this is the greatest knife that could go through your heart of course with infidelity it wasn’t the only thing and I want to ask you right from the get-go how do you not become discouraged toward God those disappointments that we set the program up with in the beginning get deeper it’s like a swimming pool that just you’re at the bottom of the pool and the pool is getting deeper and deeper and deeper and I you can’t breathe that’s well physically in the other way that’s right well let me clearly state I have gotten discouraged with God you know and so but I think one thing that has helped me so much is to not just run away from God and shut off God I’ve had to recognize there is my physical reality there’s what I see right now but at the same time there’s what God is doing and there’s always two layers to our story and if we run away from God we’ll never even catch glimpses of the better story that God is right despite the physical reality of what we’re seeing and so I’m thankful that I continued to press into the Lord so that I can even seek glimpses enough to know that there’s what I see and at the same time there’s what our good God is still doing yeah someone recently mentioned to me God is always working for your good Wow and it’s hard to feel that when you’re in these kinds of situations I mean again the marital issues and then physical issues stemming from that I’m sure the pressure and the the stress Lisa thank you for this vulnerable discussion and I so deeply appreciate your courage Lisa in part one of this discussion to tell us where you’ve come from what God has done and you’re still together I want to make sure people hear that and you’re fighting together for your marriage if you can let’s stay together and and pick it up next time can we do that that sounds good all right hey I’m John fuller and thanks for watching get more info about focus over here and more from our guests over there and be sure to subscribe to our channel as well
When you face disappointment you can still trust in God and His timing. In this broadcast, Jim Daly and John Fuller talk with Lysa TerKeurst over her new book, “It’s Not Supposed to Be this Way.”
She shares why disappointment impacts us so deeply, what it feels like, and how we can find hope in God.
About Lysa Terkuest & Proverbs 31 Ministries
Lysa TerKeurst is the president of Proverbs 31 Ministries. She is also a New York Times bestselling author of 16 books. What started as a simple newsletter to encourage moms has now grown encourage 500,000 women through their daily online devotional. In addition, she co-hosts a 1-minute inspirational radio program aired on more than 1,200 stations around the world.
Lysa’s blog averages over 80,000 dedicated readers per month. In addition to that, she touches hearts through their monthly magazine, P31 Woman. Lysa Terkeurst’s amazing story led to appearances on The Oprah Winfrey Show, Good Morning America, The 700 Club, USA Today newspaper, Woman’s Day magazine, and Focus on the Family radio.
In a day and time when the world is trying to quiet biblical truth, Proverbs 31 Ministries is determined to help women engage with God’s truth like never before through the resources they offer each day.
- For the latest updates, news and information, visit online at: http://proverbs31.org
Proverbs 31 Ministries Channel | Lysa TerKeurst
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In a day and time when the world is trying to quiet biblical truth, Proverbs 31 Ministries is determined to help women engage with God’s truth like never before through the resources we offer each day…
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Proverbs 31 Ministries, Matthews, North Carolina. 4,011,019 likes | There is a weight to our every want. When God says no or not yet, it’s often because He can see what the weight of this want will do. Make no mistake, we will eventually realize what our choices outside of God’s will cost us…
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In Uninvited, Lysa TerKuerst shares her own deeply personal experiences with rejection—from the incredibly painful childhood abandonment by her father to releasing the desire to fall apart or control the actions of others by embracing God-honoring ways to process their hurt… | Learn more…